My personality is really hard to describe, and I don’t mean that like “Oh I’m so mysterious blah blah blehh.” Mostly I would describe myself as an introvert, but that does not mean I am shy around people. I find people very easy to talk to and I read emotions fairly well, I just never go out of my way to engage with people. Losing a friend rarely affects me because I don’t see it as a priority. Honestly, I’ve picked staying home and cuddling with my dog over so many “fun” opportunities.
I am the farthest from spontaneous as well, so I’d like to think. Most of the time, if I haven’t put it on my schedule, I will try to avoid it. I hate last minute “opportunities”. They just stress me out. I’m like Effie in the Hunger Games trilogy. If one thing is off schedule I will find out how that one mishap is going to effect my being on time for the rest of my life.
I have slight OCD. I organize everything. I put my notes in order. I take notes for other kids in my college because I can’t stand how they do it (some of them actually reach out to me for help) and I write in pen so If I have one scribble, I’ll rewrite the whole day’s worth of notes, and this can be three pages sometimes, but I feel better after! I constantly clean my house, and bedroom. I hate coming home to an unmade bed or shoes all over the floor. I organize my makeup, my nailpolish, my shoes, even my damn underwear drawer. I went camping for a weekend once and brought a suitcase + a shoebag because I wanted to be prepared for everything. I can’t help it. I close things that are left open, I switch lights to make rooms the same brightness. It’s just a habit.
I get bored of people easily. I’m very good at helping people and giving advice, but the second I feel I’m wasting my time, because the other person never takes the advice, I just tune out. I hate wasting my time. I hate feeling like I’m someone’s little fucking genie in a lamp that they only use when they fuck up. I like distant friends that I can see once in a while, who don’t act estranged. I like when I can disappear for a month and see someone and they don’t make a huge deal out of it. I don’t like when I take a weekend off and get bitched at because I need my space. I’m the farthest thing from dependent, except with my parents. I don’t know what I’d do without them. But I don’t rely on friends, boyfriends, etc.
Speaking of, I hate relationships. I understand how they work, I just don’t have the time for them. People get so needy and I can’t stand it. I’m gone for a week and they’re screwing some loser. Boys my age are mostly just pathetic, and I don’t mean all boys, just all the ones I’ve come across. I just don’t like relationships, they gross me out, same with sex now. I would be totally content never having sex again, there’s no point to it. I don’t want kids, and nobody wants to marry someone like me haha. I just don’t want to put my life on hold for someone. I want to go where I want without worrying about a guy. It’s pointless to like people right now. I guess that’s how I am with friends. What if I move to another country or state? I don’t want to be held back by people.
Next is my anxiety. A lot of people don’t know this, and I avoid this because of questions but I am nineteen and I still don’t have my license. I had my permit, but nobody could take me out to drive and after a year it expired. Another reason I stopped pushing to get it was because of my anxiety. I am not using this as an excuse in any way, but anxiety is a huge problem. I get terrible test anxiety as well. I hate taking tests because my stomach starts growling, I get fidgety and impatient, I even puked during my SATs. So imagine me taking a driving test. I actually did take it once, and failed. The second I got in the car, the lady was very rude and didn’t give any direction at all, and got mad when I turned out of the driveway because she told me to go, but not where. Little did I know, she basically failed me because I took it to soon after my permit, and because she wanted to go to lunch. So I’m kind of stuck in that. Plus I’ve been in so many car accidents and my family members have terrible luck, I’m afraid of what might happen to me. So yeah I get crippling test anxiety.
That’s all I really want to write right now. It’s just something that’s bothering me. I hate the fact that I even have to explain myself to people, but this is stuff that comes up a lot and it’s irritating that nobody understands.