My personality is really hard to describe, and I don’t mean that like “Oh I’m so mysterious blah blah blehh.” Mostly I would describe myself as an introvert, but that does not mean I am shy around people. I find people very easy to talk to and I read emotions fairly well, I just never go out of my way to engage with people. Losing a friend rarely affects me because I don’t see it as a priority. Honestly, I’ve picked staying home and cuddling with my dog over so many “fun” opportunities. 

I am the farthest from spontaneous as well, so I’d like to think. Most of the time, if I haven’t put it on my schedule, I will try to avoid it. I hate last minute “opportunities”. They just stress me out. I’m like Effie in the Hunger Games trilogy. If one thing is off schedule I will find out how that one mishap is going to effect my being on time for the rest of my life.

I have slight OCD. I organize everything. I put my notes in order. I take notes for other kids in my college because I can’t stand how they do it (some of them actually reach out to me for help) and I write in pen so If I have one scribble, I’ll rewrite the whole day’s worth of notes, and this can be three pages sometimes, but I feel better after! I constantly clean my house, and bedroom. I hate coming home to an unmade bed or shoes all over the floor. I organize my makeup, my nailpolish, my shoes, even my damn underwear drawer. I went camping for a weekend once and brought a suitcase + a shoebag because I wanted to be prepared for everything. I can’t help it. I close things that are left open, I switch lights to make rooms the same brightness. It’s just a habit. 

I get bored of people easily. I’m very good at helping people and giving advice, but the second I feel I’m wasting my time, because the other person never takes the advice, I just tune out. I hate wasting my time. I hate feeling like I’m someone’s little fucking genie in a lamp that they only use when they fuck up. I like distant friends that I can see once in a while, who don’t act estranged. I like when I can disappear for a month and see someone and they don’t make a huge deal out of it. I don’t like when I take a weekend off and get bitched at because I need my space. I’m the farthest thing from dependent, except with my parents. I don’t know what I’d do without them. But I don’t rely on friends, boyfriends, etc.

Speaking of, I hate relationships. I understand how they work, I just don’t have the time for them. People get so needy and I can’t stand it. I’m gone for a week and they’re screwing some loser. Boys my age are mostly just pathetic, and I don’t mean all boys, just all the ones I’ve come across. I just don’t like relationships, they gross me out, same with sex now. I would be totally content never having sex again, there’s no point to it. I don’t want kids, and nobody wants to marry someone like me haha. I just don’t want to put my life on hold for someone. I want to go where I want without worrying about a guy. It’s pointless to like people right now. I guess that’s how I am with friends. What if I move to another country or state? I don’t want to be held back by people. 

Next is my anxiety. A lot of people don’t know this, and I avoid this because of questions but I am nineteen and I still don’t have my license. I had my permit, but nobody could take me out to drive and after a year it expired. Another reason I stopped pushing to get it was because of my anxiety. I am not using this as an excuse in any way, but anxiety is a huge problem. I get terrible test anxiety as well. I hate taking tests because my stomach starts growling, I get fidgety and impatient, I even puked during my SATs. So imagine me taking a driving test. I actually did take it once, and failed. The second I got in the car, the lady was very rude and didn’t give any direction at all, and got mad when I turned out of the driveway because she told me to go, but not where. Little did I know, she basically failed me because I took it to soon after my permit, and because she wanted to go to lunch. So I’m kind of stuck in that. Plus I’ve been in so many car accidents and my family members have terrible luck, I’m afraid of what might happen to me. So yeah I get crippling test anxiety. 

That’s all I really want to write right now. It’s just something that’s bothering me. I hate the fact that I even have to explain myself to people, but this is stuff that comes up a lot and it’s irritating that nobody understands.

Just saved around $470 on textbooks on Chegg.com. I still have one more book to buy for my psych class, which I have to buy at my school, because my teacher is the author of the book. So I’m only spending around $200 on six books this semester. That’s an insanely good deal. I’m pretty happy right now. At the same time, I’m starting to realize I only have one week left until another hard semester. 

I have over 100% in my psychology class right now, took my last test yesterday so that’s another A down. Two more finals to go and I’m done for at least a month. I’m hoping that next semester is easier, though I’m really proud of myself for taking such hard classes and getting amazing grades. I’m making college my bitch. 

I took a stats test today, and my stomach growled the whole time, it was embarrassing but I had test anxiety like crazy and couldn’t eat anything before. I have a psychology final on Saturday, my English final on Tuesday, and my stats final on the 18th, but other than that I really have nothing else going on. I came home today and decided, out of nowhere, to mess with my camera that stopped working well over a year ago and it actually turned on, it was strange, but that’s one less thing to worry about buying. I don’t know, the next two weeks are going to be stressful but I’ll try to keep up with this thing.  

In the process of picking classes for my third semester in college. Looks like it’s going to be an easy one though because unfortunately I wasn’t able to get a good psychology class, just child and adolescent psychology was left, and I’m second on a wait list for that, but of course I’m going to get it. Either that or I’m going to throw a fat tantrum. It’s not my fault the priority 1 kids wait until their last semester to cram hard classes when I’m taking them first because they’re all easy to me. So besides child psychology, I’m also taking Speech 1A, Astronomy 3 with the “hot” teacher, and sociology. I don’t know, I’m not as thrilled toward school anymore because it’s all I have right now. My life isn’t exciting, but I don’t have time for it to be. 

(I sent this to my psychology teacher after reading a horrid article about how attractive people have higher IQs, get jobs easier, and get shorter sentences in jail)

Honestly, the first paragraph of that excerpt made me cringe. Actually the whole thing, though it’s true, was really hard to read. I strongly dislike the fact that we’ve been brainwashed into thinking there’s only one type of beauty; the “perfect woman” ratios and measurements and all that crap just makes me sick. Beauty is far beyond appearance. People get hired over other people, who may even be more qualified, over looks, and that just pisses me off. I’m five feet tall, I could see not getting hired at a job with tall shelves for that, but to lose an interview because I wasn’t “attractive” enough? That’s just messed up.

For every individual, there is a different definition for beauty. There’s no way everyone finds the same things attractive in a person, so why is this idea of perfection lodged into our minds? It makes no sense to me. In some cultures it was considered attractive to have a bigger figure or fair skin, and to some it’s the complete opposite. In some cultures the women are completely covered from head to toe, and how are you supposed to define a perfect “image” then? The definition of beauty is always changing, from culture to culture and person to person, so why should we be so concerned whether or not we fit that image? I believe knowledge will get you much further than a perfect waist to hip ratio. I personally find it attractive when I can actually have an intelligent conversation with a person. I think the part about “attractive” people generally having higher IQs is also a load of garbage. I’ve met people who were pleasing to the eye, and then after hearing one sentence spill out of their mouth, I felt completely different, and vice versa. I mean, never saw a questionnaire on the SATs about my waist size or symmetry.

Basically what I got out of this was that you could have a great waist to hip ratio and get away with murder. Also, if you’re attractive you’ll totally get a job. This seems like a very discouraging article, and honestly offensive. It makes me feel extremely self-conscious. But at the same time, I would love to prove this person wrong. I’m on my way to graduating college and starting a great career, and do you honestly think my height, weight, or hip size is going to stop me? Whoever thinks that I can’t make it far in life because of who I am on the outside can kiss my fat(as defined by the media) butt.

Ask Meeeee.

Well this semester is almost over for me, and it looks like I’m passing with all As, with exception to my English class because she’s menopausal and a cunt. Other than that, I still have no license, my permit expired, and it looks like I’ll still have no life next semester. Since my college likes to occasionally cancel some classes the only ones that fit my requirement that I’m going to take next semester are Speech 1A, Psych 5 (abnormal psych) or Psych 3 (human sexuality), Political Science, and Astronomy, and a one credit Library class that everyone needs. So that’s a total of thirteen credits. Plus I’m getting a job next semester. I’m guessing since these classes won’t require learning new techniques, just applying old ones, and relying on memory, it’ll be easier than this semester, but who knows. I’m willing to only keep one friend and go to school. I would rather pride myself with knowledge than being surrounded by a group of girls. So basically Amanda, if you read this, you’re officially my only friend because you’re the only one I want to keep. haha. Yeah so basically that’s it. School is my life, my hobbies when I actually have free time are watching tv shows, tumblr, and doing little diy projects. I wouldn’t say I’m anti-social, just uninterested in socializing at the moment. 

Tumblr seems like such a hassle to have lately. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love this thing, but I don’t think I’d be upset without it. I have so many other sites I go on that actually make me productive like pinterest and craftgawker. And on here, I only see the same things over and over, and it’s not like anyone talks to me. I don’t know, between college and doing mindless crafts I just haven’t felt the need to check in here, but I’m going to try harder.

Today was just absolutely wonderful. Well, after I got my coffee this morning. ;) I watched a guy get a baby expecting text, and he had the most positive, adorable reaction. Then I got to talk to the incredibly cute guy I’ve been crushing on, which is totally out of the norm for me. Also, I realized we both don’t know each other’s names… Then I got to see Amanda which is always wonderful, and I got to eat sushi and chicken tenders. Then I came home, talked about my great day, and then the whole family and I went out to chinese food, which was amazing like always. It’s been such a good day. I also didn’t take a nap today which means I’m going to sleep like a rock tonight and that’s good because sleep hasn’t been too great lately between racing thoughts and not feeling too well. Anyway, it’s just a great day and I’m really happy.